Nice Guys Finish Last
by Fiane
Summary: Over the years the Akatsuki has developed a rather impressive reputation, but when the landlady threatens a rent-increase, Pein must do something drastic. CRACKFIC
1. Prologue

A/N: Hi! This is my first multi chapter fic! Or at least it will be if you want it to continue. I hope you like it!

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Prologue

Itachi could not believe he was doing this.

If someone had taken the time to explain that being a member of the Akatsuki organisation entailed obeying ludicrous orders from their obviously disturbed Leader, for the sheer purpose of his own amusement. He would have thrown his offer of membership straight back into Pein's ugly (pierced) face, to be closely followed by a kunai and multiple rounds of Ameratsu.

But, alas, it was not to be. Thus Itachi found himself confronted by what would have to be the most mentally scarring experience he had ever come across in his entire life.

Conveniently, his mind decided at that exact time to engage in a relatively brief flashback of what had occurred the day before. Not that the proud Uchiha ever needed to do such a thing and if he did, he would the last person to ever admit it.

Anyway...

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_Commence Flashback_

It was a normal day at the Akatsuki household. Tobi was playing with his train set, Konan was treating her various paper-cuts, Kisame was visiting his relatives, a fact which he constantly denied; _he_claimed that he was 'swimming'. And Zetsu... was... well...

Wait, what _does_Zetsu do in his free time? Sway in the wind? Have great philosophical debates against his other self? Seek wisdom from his garden? Chase butterflies?

I don't know. So for now...

Zetsu... was... well... doing whatever the hell it is Zetsu does.

If you were to be watching all the members at the exact same time, you may find it comical the way they all halted their activities, disappeared and reappeared with an audible 'poof' in the lounge room, all in perfect synchronisation. Pretty impressive for a group of people who claim that they are nothing alike. They should enter the Olympics.

Mildly humorous antics aside, no one uttered a word as Pein entered the room, roughly shoving a reluctant Deidara off his position in the best chair.

"It has come to my attention," he began, sitting down on the recently vacated leather recliner. "That this organisation, due to our immense time and effort, has made great progress over the years."

He paused for effect while the room's occupants rolled their eyes, bored by their leader's melodrama.

"...Thefts, kidnappings, massacres, assassinations, explosions; all in all, a job well done."

He allowed a sinister smirk to cross his face. "Unfortunately, these acts have given us, somewhat of a despised reputation. Now normally I couldn't care less, but our Landlady is threatening to increase our rent. Drastic, I know, but it is true nonetheless. Thankfully I have come up with a solution."

He paused once more before saying bluntly,

"In order to rectify this problem, you have each been assigned five days of community service. Starting tomorrow"

_End Flashback_

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A/N: Sorry if you feel it is a bit short (looking at it now, it really is short! Why is it always so much bigger in Word!), but it's called a prologue for a reason, it's not meant to be long (well not as long as the actual chapters). So, please look past its lack of substantial length. I will try very hard to make the next one longer (if possible). Please, tell me what you think, should I continue?

Also any ideas for a title are greatly appreciated, because I can't think of one.

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	2. What Did He Say?

A/N: And here's chapter two! Well, actually it's more like chapter one 'coz the previous was a prologue. But the chapter-toggle-thing says two so two it will be.

Disclaimer: Someone told me that I should write this, and although I don't really feel anyone is about to sue me when there are people who post the actual series on the internet, I'm going to write it anyway. So, in case you have been living under a rock for a very looong time; I do not own Naruto, if I did Sasuke wouldn't be such an absolute jerk and Karin would be dead waaaaay before she even stepped one thigh-high-booted foot, into the series.

Actually no, scratch that last part. I would put Karin in the series just for the pure satisfaction of seeing her die, very, very painfully. Harsh, I know, but I hate her guts.

Now, because I'm sure you are all banging your head on the keyboard in a destined-for-failure attempt to stop my rambling (Note: this is not something I would recommend as it hurts like hell and people will give you some really weird looks), I will get on with the chapter!

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**What Did He Say?  
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"_...you have each been assigned five days of community service. Starting tomorrow."_

"Your various positions have been posted on the chart over there, I hope you find them _fitting._"

At the conclusion of this announcement both he and Konan, rather conveniently, vanished, to be shortly followed by Kakuzu; leaving the remaining dumbfounded members to pick their jaws up off the cobbled stone floor and return to their chambers, _calmly_.

Pffffft...Yeah right.

"WHAT THE FUCK??" An extremely irate Hidan yelled, his voice reaching unexplored octaves in his fury. "THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM GOING TO SPEND FIVE FREAKING DAYS HELPING SOME OLD PRUNE GET HER SHRIVELLED BEHIND ACROSS A STUPID STREET!"

"YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THIS EITHER, YEAH?" Deidara retaliated, shrieking like a banshee, "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY LIFE!"

"REALLY? LIKE WHAT? DYE YOUR HAIR? MAKE DUMB LITTLE TOY BIRDS THAT CAN'T EVEN LAST LONGER THAN A SECOND WITHOUT FUCKING BLOWING UP?"

"IT'S ART YEAH! ANYWAY WHAT ABOUT YOU! YOU LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF MADE UP GODS, IMAGINARY FRIENDS AND YOUR STUPID RITUALS! BUT IF YOU HAVE TO SPEND ONE MINUTE IN THE **REAL** WORLD YOU JUST CAN'T HACK IT!"

"IF JASHIN-SAMA IS MADE UP HOW COME YOU CAN'T FUCKING KILL ME THEN?"

"HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW, YOU'RE A FREAK OF NATURE YEAH!"

"FREAK? YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THREE FUCKING MOUTHS!"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED _EVERYONE _HAS TO DO THIS, SO STOP YOUR WHINING, YOU'RE HURTING MY EARS!!" Kisame joined the argument, gesturing wildly, his face red with anger; though do to his normally blue complexion, his visage had, in fact, turned an interesting shade of magenta.

"YOU CAN'T TALK YEAH! YOU'RE JUST AS LOUD AS CHURCH BOY OVER THERE YOU DUMB FISH!"

"I'M NOT A FISH!"

"WELL YOU LOOK LIKE ONE YEAH!"

"SHUT UP BLONDIE!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING BLONDIE? YEAH! YOU STUPID SAINT! I BET YOU SECRETLY LOVE THE IDEA OF HELPING OLD LADIES ACROSS THE STREET! OR MAYBE YOU'D PREFER OLD MEN?"

"ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE GENDER CONFUSION PONY TAIL!"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A GIRL YEAH?"

"OF COURSE I AM, YOU STUPID FEMALE! SHIT, IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BORN THIS DUMB, I'D SAY ALL THOSE EXPLOSIONS SCREWED UP YOUR BRAIN!"

"WELL AT LEAST I HAVE A BRAIN YEAH!"

"Wow, now that took a lot of thought."

"SHUT UP FISH BOY!"

"I'M NOT A FISH!"

"YEAH YOU ARE! YOU ARE A SHARK, A SHARK IS A FISH, SO YOU ARE A FISH YEAH! FISH BOY!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"MAKE ME YEAH!"

"FIVE FUCKING DAYS!"

"**SHUT UP!"**

And so the arguing continued for quite some time, until Itachi, bored of their antics, walked swiftly across the room, pulled the chart down from the wall and began to read.

"_Deidara _- 'Lessons in Clay' for beginners. _Kisame _- 'Swimming is a Splash' Little Sailors class. _Tobi _- Masked Carnival Volunteer. _Hidan _- Acting minister. _Sasori _- Puppy Puppet Paradise Parade. _Zetsu _- Floral Fancy Nursery."

A loud rip filled the air as the Uchiha tore off a strip of the chart, incinerated it with a fire jutsu and strode out of the room. The paper floated to the ground and all chaos erupted yet again.

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Pein smiled, watching all the action from his favourite deckchair positioned a safe distance away. This was going to be an amusing few days...

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A/N: wow! Now that is a lot of Caps Lock. Trust me I tried doing it without as much, but it didn't have the same effect, so I pray it wasn't too annoying. I also hope you don't mind the swearing, I tried to variate the language as much as possible. But Hidan is Hidan, I kinda feel he's too out of character now. Oh, well, if you feel that way just omit all adjectives he says and replace them with the rather small range of swear words he uses.

Well, I hoped you liked it! I tried to make it as long as possible for you. And for those of you who want to know what it is Itachi will be doing... you'll have to wait (translation: I'm not too sure either, I just want to make it as funny and disturbing as possible (for him that is not for me)).

In the meantime don't forget to tell me what you think, I could use your advice 'coz I'm really new to this.

If you have any ideas for the title please tell me!

Anyway...Next up! The torture begins!

Jeeez...dramatic, much?


End file.
